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Wouldn’t it be great if we could control all the people?  I have this conversation with my clients a lot.   

At our core, we all want to be seen, heard, and loved – to feel connected.  People who do really bad things want to be seen, heard, and loved.  Even the fierce junk yard dog wants to feel loved.  When people disagree with us, we attempt to deny them these basic needs.   We think they don’t deserve our love and attention.  We impose the silent treatment.  We get defensive.  We say words that most definitely fall under the category of conversation killers.  Or, the ultimate line in the sand – unfriend them on Facebook.   

We get hurt when our expectations of others are let down.  When people disagree with us or don’t act as we expect, we impose punishments and in turn create the opposite of what we truly desire.  We create disconnection instead of connection.   Withholding love does not protect you – it causes the exact opposite.  When you withhold love for someone, you are the one not feeling love.  

We think it would be better if everyone were like us, but you are 100% you.  No one, no matter how similar to you, is ever going to be just like you.   So, we judge.   Every judgement we have is a projection – positive or negative.  According to the Googles, projection is a psychological defense mechanism in which individuals attribute characteristics they find unacceptable in themselves to another person. 

I don’t know if Maya Angelou is the original author of this quote, but I remember her saying something like this, “what we hate in others, we hate in ourselves.”  I had to peel back a few layers of that onion to unravel this in my brain.  But, she was right.  While this can apply to many areas of our lives – personal and professional – for the sake of this conservation, it looks like this – someone doesn’t show us love by agreeing with our posts or opinions, or maybe we are feeling like they aren’t showing us the love we want, so we punish them.  Now, we are doing the same thing to them!


What if we just loved them?  What if we allowed everyone to be themselves (as if we have a choice)?  People only suck when we have thoughts about them, and our thoughts are 100% optional.  If you want to feel love, you have to feel love.  Let me say that again – if you want to feel love, you have to FEEL love.  Love and connection are feelings created by how you think.  It’s an inside job!

Lovability is not how loveable you are.  You were born 100% loveable and worthy.  Lovability is YOUR ability and capacity to feel love for others when they do not act how you want them to.  It is your ability to accept, with no judgment and no punishment, that others will not agree with you or always embrace your opinions, beliefs, or actions.    

Why do we post on Facebook?  To feel connected.

Why do we want to be with others?  To feel connected.

When we punish others because they don’t do it the way we expect them to do it, we are creating the result of feeling disconnected.  We are denying ourselves what we most desire – to be seen, heard and loved. 

Hi, I’m Jenny Lee.   I’m a certified performance and life coach.  Visit my website at to learn more about me and how we can connect.

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