In this post, I will make several references to my last blog post. Reading it is not required, but it’s important to me that I be transparent about my humanness. The work I’ve done has transformed my life, but I continue to unearth more about myself and do more work. I don’t expect that will ever change. If you wish, click HERE to read.
On May 21, 2020, I wrote about how our brain likes to be efficient by choosing familiar thoughts and feelings. I had caught myself in a familiar pattern…”the thought was – I’m not supposed to feel this good. Something bad is going to happen and I won’t be prepared.” I was on a hypothetical high, but I suddenly went, “from joy to worry to guilt.”
I didn’t know four days later, on May 25th, that George Floyd, an unarmed black man would be killed by a white police officer. I didn’t know large protests and riots would ultimately captivate me and the world. In fact, I didn’t know for several days because I don’t often watch TV.
I definitely was not prepared.
“I can deal with anything that comes my way.” I was oblivious.
Dealing with what has been happening the past four weeks has been more than I could have imagined. And, let’s be clear. There is no “dealing with” what’s going on. This is not a one and done matter.
First become aware of your thoughts, then become curious about them. Question everything. Your brain won’t like it at first.
I’ve spent the last several weeks waking up to work I didn’t know I needed to do. I took the time to listen, learn, and get honest with myself on the work I need to do to become anti-racist. I’ve experienced worry, guilt, anger, and sadness. I let each feeling wrap over me like a blanket until it showed me the work I needed to do.
I took more time than I needed. I wanted to do something, but I was getting stuck in the “how.” What are the steps I need to take? I wanted someone to tell me exactly what I needed to do. I was greedy for the how. I spent so much energy trying to find the how – reading, following people, watching people, and asking people. While I waited for the how, I wasn’t taking action.
PULL THE THREAD OF THIS THOUGHT
The “how” does not matter. The greed of how prevents us from doing what we need to do. When we’re searching for the how, we become stuck in a loop of passive action. Passive action is something that feels like we’re being productive, but we’re really no producing anything, certainly not results. This looks a lot like reading books, scrolling the internet, talking for hours to anyone that will listen, comparing ourselves to others, etc. Some of these things can help us when we’re learning something new, but until we take action, they’re just things we consume.
How does not actually help us do what we want to do.
How is the gift we get once we’ve done it.
I was greedy for the how so I wouldn’t fail. I wanted the exact formula in order to avoid pain, embarrassment, and fear of getting it wrong.
I pose this question to my clients and kids quite often – do you want to be right or happy?
I may not get it right, but I do know how I want to show up in the world. Transformation is a decision, not a destination. I don’t need to know the how, I just need to start doing. Two steps forward, three steps back. Incremental change. I thought the problem was the overload of what I was seeing and hearing, or the confusion I felt when taking it all in. I thought the problem was outside of me. Byron Katie says, “You are the teacher you have been waiting for. You can end your own suffering.” I was the problem. The problem was my thoughts. Now, let’s get to work.
